The Art of Saying No Without Guilt

Saying “no” can be challenging at any time, especially during the holidays. Between work events, family events, and social gatherings, it is easy to feel obligated to accept every invitation that comes your way. But filling up your calendar with all kinds of events can mean you are giving up on time to rest and recharge, which can be detrimental to your overall well-being. So, how can you be selective in the events you agree to, and how can you say “no” gracefully and without guilt?

Choose What’s Most Important to You and Make a Plan

Chances are you can predict what type of events you will be invited to this year. You may not be able to predict the number of events, but unless you are in a new location or situation, you can look to last year and know what will happen this year.

The first step is to reframe your thinking about holiday events. You may think of these gatherings as obligations rather than opportunities. And, if you feel obligated to attend Great Aunt Sally’s holiday potluck rather than think of the opportunity to attend, that sense of obligation can cloud your judgment on whether or not you go.

Consider what that potluck could mean for you. Depending on your family dynamic, it could allow you to see beloved family members you don’t get to see all that often. Or, it might mean enduring a long conversation with your uncle about politics or his experience with alien abductions. Does one opportunity sound better to you? 

Similarly, suppose a friend invites you to a large party where you may not know many people. In that case, you have to decide whether to attend simply because they are hosting it, even though hanging out with large groups isn’t your thing. You could choose to say no and spend the evening enjoying a quiet dinner with another friend you haven’t seen in a while due to busy schedules.

The key question becomes, “By saying yes to this opportunity, what opportunities am I saying no to?”

This doesn’t mean you won’t attend events that aren’t your favorite. You may still go to a work event that’s not on the top of your list of things you want to do. But, it is because you have thought of the opportunity attending that event presents and decided that it was worth saying no to other opportunities that pop up at that same time.

Remember, taking time for yourself is both an opportunity and a necessity. Without proper time to recharge, you’ll likely feel tired, stressed, and maybe a little bit cranky. You are the best judge of how much time you need for yourself, so factor this in as you weigh your social opportunities this season.

Set Boundaries With Friends and Family

You’ve assessed your opportunities and built in time to recharge this season. Now you need to make sure that people respect your decisions and your boundaries. Depending on your situation, this can get tricky. If you have a large family, some relatives may want you to come to everything. If you have kids, you balance your needs and theirs while potentially managing the expectations of grandparents or extended family. Or maybe you have a large, active friend group who likes socializing.

Since you have chosen which opportunities are most important to you now, you can begin to say “no” to the events that don’t match your needs. So, you can tell Great Aunt Sally you can’t attend the holiday potluck because you have a work event that night. Since you are up for a promotion in the next few months, this work event is an excellent time for you to get some face time with people in management who make promotion decisions. If she pressures you to come late, explain that you must focus on the work event to secure that promotion. You would rather not feel distracted by watching the clock to ensure you can attend both events. Boundary set. 

How to Graciously Say “No”

While assessing your opportunities and setting your boundaries, it’s important to remember to be gracious in saying “no” to an invitation. First and foremost, thank the person for the invitation. They need to know you appreciate the invite. Don’t go into too much detail about why you can’t go — they really don’t need to know that information — just let them know you have other plans. If you are declining because you need time for yourself, I’d advise you not to share too much unless you know the person well and believe they will understand your needs. Otherwise, they may try to guilt you into attending. Simply mention that you have already committed to something else.

Suppose you are turning down an invitation from a friend or family member (for instance, your friend who is having a big party or Great Aunt Sally). In that case, you can express regret for missing the event and suggest meeting up another time. Setting a time to see them after the holidays gives you space to breathe during a jam-packed holiday season.

After the event takes place, reach out and ask how it went. That helps people feel valued and lets them know that you really did appreciate the invite.

How to Manage Guilt or Fear of Missing Out When Saying No

As I mentioned before, reframing your thinking about events and invitations can be helpful. By considering them opportunities rather than obligations, you can manage any potential guilt you may feel by saying “no.” For example, recognizing that the work event can help advance your career can help mitigate the guilt you feel by saying “no” to Great Aunt Sally’s invitation. Offering to meet up at another time with your friend who is hosting the party can also alleviate the guilt of not attending.

If you experience fear of missing out (FOMO), remind yourself of the reasons you decided not to attend an event. You chose the opportunities that were the best for you at the time. To manage FOMO, consider staying away from social media during events, and if you’re still curious afterward, check it out a few days later.

Why Saying “No” is Necessary for Personal Well-Being

You can’t say “yes” to everything. If you did, you would run yourself ragged. Saying “no” allows you to claim time for yourself and prioritize your needs. Yes, sometimes we need to put the needs of others before our own. Still, it is important that you recognize when you need to have downtime for things you like to do, getting extra sleep, or just staring off into the middle distance. Creating space for yourself allows you to process the information that is constantly being thrown at you, clear and quiet your mind, and manage any stress and anxiety you are experiencing. By choosing where to say “yes” “and” feeling confident saying “no,” “you” give yourself the space to be fully present when you are out and about and recharge as you need.